MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU.
It's that day of the year again. The one day a year when Star Wars fans emerge like Luke from planet Dagobah after training with Yoda to defeat Darth Vader only for Darth Vader to turn over a new leaf and eventually kill the Sith instead. Fans crowd the streets wearing Jedi robes and swinging lightsabers like one big happy family, a bond that transcends time and space.
Out of respect for the fandom, I’m not going to rehash tired debates about which trilogy sucks less (Disney’s episode 7, 8 and 9 are just cash grabs to me), I will only say, I enjoyed episode 1, 2 and 3.
Anyway, I thought we'd celebrate May the 4th a bit differently this year.
Instead of a list of Star Wars inspired onaholes, or sex toys, I've spent an ungodly (brain melting) number of hours wading through the megaton amount of low quality sewage claiming to be Star Wars-inspired adult entertainment, some comics and looking up the XXX stuff Star Wars has inspired both mainstream and degenerate, so you don't have to.
Are they all hardcore porn with the clones standing around in a circle cumming on Princess Leia? No. Does Han Solo, Luke or even Obi-Wan have their own private harem of women ready to serve? Also no. Is Ahsoka Tano, Jabba’s personal sextoy? Maybe.
Here are the top 5 fap-worthy Star Wars parodies that are also pretty fun to watch and might just make your dick hard.
1. "Star Ballz: The Movie" (2001)
We start our list with a 45-minute hentai disaster that was sued by Lucasfilm. If there’s any Star Wars parodies that George Lucas has seen, it’s probably this.
A cauldron of copyright infringements and lazy animations this disaster features Goku from DBZ as Han Solo, Sailormoon as Leia and Darth Vader foreshadowing the Disney takeover.
I watched it for a good 15 minutes. Turned it to double play speed. And finally just started fast forwarding it.
While every other part of the movie was terrible, the sex scenes deserve praise. The big dicks and busty tits were surprisingly detailed and a fair amount of anal going on. Maybe some sort of space anal fetish? If you make it to the end, there's a special scene with Jar Jar Binks and George Lucas. I won't spoil the surprise for you.
Is this worth 45 minutes of your life? If you're a hardcore fan looking for everything Star Wars? Yes. For anyone else, you'll probably make it through about 10 before hitting fast-forward or just giving up and looking for another franchise to support.
2. "Star Wars: A Complete Guide to Wookiee Sex" by Alx
Ever wondered how Chewbacca and the Wookies have sex? No? Too bad!
Patreon artist Alx has created an entire series dedicated to answering that question in excruciating detail. This Patreon comic series started somewhere in 2020 and has 6 gloriously detailed chapters. And I’ll be honest, the art and the story were fairly good, the total opposite of Space Ballz.
The story centres around Chewbacca and Rey, and her descent into her role as his personal onahole.
What makes this stand out from the other Star Wars parodies is that there’s an actual plot. By the fourth chapter you’ll see recurring locations like Ahsoka’s bar. Recurring characters like Rose, and even character development. That's more world-building than Rise of Skywalker managed.
The art quality is surprisingly good. Alx (the creator) woke up one day and decided "you know what, I'm going to draw Chewbacca's junk today." If you've got $5 to spare and a curiosity that's stronger than your dignity, this might be worth a look.
3. "The Empire Strips Back"
The third item on our list is a legitimate production. Not some run off the mill knockoff or depraved material that would get you burned at stake for sharing at the dinner table.
No, the Empire Strips Back is a stage production that you can admit to watching even at the dinner table with grandma and instead of being put on some kind of watchlist and scowled at, everyone will be interested.
This is a legitimate burlesque show that's toured internationally playing all over the world from Las Vegas to London and Sydney.
What's impressive is how much money they obviously spent on costumes and sets. The production values are high enough that you could almost — ALMOST — bring a date who isn't into Star Wars and they'd still be entertained.
Did I mention the Stormtroppers actually hit their targets in this?
4. "Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody" (2012)
Unlike most of the other items on this list and on any other Star Wars XXX parody film lists, this movie is on a different level. Director Axel Braun clearly had both a budget and a genuine love for the source material. A dangerous combination when making adult entertainment.
Chewbacca gets laid. Hans and Luke engage in a threesome. Darth Vader gets sucked off by Leia. Even Obi-Wan gets some action.
The attention to detail in this movie is simply. They put more effort into the interior of the Millennium Falcon interior than Disney did in any of the new Star Wars stuff.
While the acting is still porn-level terrible, they actually bothered to write a script that somewhat follows A New Hope's plot. There are even some jokes that land! The sex scenes are integrated into the story in ways that almost make sense, which is more than I can say for most of the entries on this list.
5. "Wookiee Rotica" Magazine
I’ve powered through so much Wookie themed porn I’m now not sure if my constant thoughts of his hairy testicles are a result of my “research” or a developing fetish.
Still, it felt only fair to close the list with “Wookie Rotica”.
The final item on this list is an actual print magazine dedicated to Wookiee erotica. Issue 1 subtitled "ADULT XXX Empire Strips Back" is selling for just over $250 on eBay the last time I checked.
Wondering what’s inside? Think Playboy but with more fur a whole lot more fur. I haven't personally flipped through its pages, but according to my research inside are pin-up style artwork of Star Wars characters in very… interesting positions.
What fascinates me the most is someone out there thought that an actual print magazine of Wookie porn would work. In the age of free internet porn, someone said "You know what? I'm going to create a magazine dedicated to Wookiee sex, and people will pay for it."
Few years ago, I would’ve laughed at him and said no way. BUT… today, this magazine sells for $250.
That's either extremely depressing or utterly inspiring, I’m not sure which.
Final Thoughts
So there it is. Five ways you can celebrate May the Fourth that George Lucas didn't have in mind when he created this franchise.
Weird hentai, comic books, burlesque shows, high-production parodies, or good old-fashioned magazines, there’s something to help you forget episodes 7, 8 and 9 ever existed. If reading this list gives you an erection that your hand just can’t soothe… don’t go out to the streets and look for a Leia to drag home into your dungeon.
Make use of our May the 4th Onahole bundles here. Whether you side with the honorable Jedi or the ambitious Sith, there’s something for everyone.
